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  1. Talk to your partner and decide when you are going to do the joint exercises portion together. 

  2. I assign homework for several reason, (all science based reasons), but if you do not finish it, do not stress or cancel, we will do it in-session. ​

Before Starting Your Couples Homework

Couples Homework Step 1

We Do Not Try           We Train
Couples Step 1 Communication Work

Purpose of Communication Work:

  • Healthy communication is how we fix marital problems, heal wounds, and re-connect mentally and physically and will be the focus of step 1 & 2.

  • Throughout the process I will also continually evaluate each person individually and as a couple looking for any disorders or communication problems that are unhealthy and not covered in the planned homework materials.

Basic Healthy Communication

Joint Exercise To Do

Download the Basic Healthy Communication Part 1 PDF:

  • We will refer back to this document anytime communication is discussed in session.

  • Each spouse will need their own copy.

  • Read the first page, highlighting the important aspects of healthy communication for both the speaker and listener.

  • On page 2, follow the exercise instructions. 

  • For now, make sure you follow all the communication rules for this exercise, even if you feel you don't need to use it.​

 Basic Healthy Communication Part 1 PDF ---->

Report Responses

After completing the exercise:

  • Both of you, separately, click on the report form link below and put your responses in the corresponding boxes.

Communication Online Report Form ---->

Marriage Counseling Form

Fair Fighting Rules

Individual Exercise To Do

Download Fair Fighting Rules handout:

  • Highlight any rules you feel either of you needs to work on.

  • I recommend posting the "Fair Fighting Rules" PDF somewhere visible like on a refrigerator, a mirror or in your bedroom, to have as a quick reference.

  • I would also read it over once a day until you feel like you "know" the rules.

Fair Fighting Rules PDF ---->

Report Responses

After completing the exercise:

  • Both of you, separately, click on the report form link below and answer the questions.

Fair Fight Rules Online Report Form ---->

Marriage Counseling Form
Couples Step 1 Intimacy Work

Purpose:

  • As communication breaks down in a relationship, so does a couples trust, commitment and intimacy for each other. 

  • When this happens, a persons Core Emotional Needs do not get met. (more on this later), creating a cycle of angry and resentment.

  • Their marriage dissatisfaction keeps increasing until they feel like roommates or worse, they would rather leave the relationship than stay married.

  • The focus of this section is to "start" re-building that intimacy.

Daily Dialogue & Daily Complement

Joint Exercise To Do

Download the Basic Healthy Communication Part 2 PDF:

  • With your spouse, read the section on:

    • "Daily Dialogue" &

    • "Daily Complements" 

  • This is the only "required" homework that needs to be done DAILY..... 

  • It only takes 4 minutes or less to fill out the online form. 

  • The focus of this exercise is to promote:

    • Open dialogue​ between spouses

    • Accountability while creating new healthy behaviors

    • Helps create a renewed fondness for spouse

​

*** Do this everyday until our next session. 

Healthy Communication Part 2 PDF ---->

Report Responses

Daily Report Online Form ---->

Marriage Counseling Form

Love Bank 5 to 1

Joint Exercise To Do

Watch this 3 minute video

Report Responses

Love Bank Online Quiz ---->

Marriage Counseling Form

Couples Homework Step 2

We Do Not Try          We Train
Couples Step 2 Communication Work

Step 2 Communication Goals:

  • In Step 2 we look at the 4 most common communication problems that occur in marriage that are also an indicator with a 94% accuracy for divorce.

  • We also look at how to respond to those unhealthy communication styles.

  • Lastly we will start to focus on how to communicate with understand.

Communication Problems Articles

Individual Exercise To Do

Articles to read: download these two handouts:

  • Highlight any thing you feel either of you needs to work on in your marriage.

The Four Horseman PDF ---->

Four Horseman Antidote PDF ---->

Communication Problems Video

Joint Exercise To Do

Watch a video that is 20 minutes long. It is called

- The Attack/Defend Cycle -

 

While watching, take notes on

  • What unhealthy aspects shown in the video do you currently use in your communication.

  • What healthy aspects do you need to start implementing in your marriage communication.

​

This video is filled with practical wisdom that can be instantly used in your marriage to keep disagreements from becoming arguments or fights.

Report Responses

After watching the video:

  • Both of you, together, click on the form link below and answer the questions.

Attack/Defend Cycle Online Form ---->

Marriage Counseling Form

Communication Problems Worksheet

Joint Exercise To Do

Download I Feel Statements

Instructions

  • There are no instructions on the PDF itself.

  • Read the exercise explanation over several times.

  • Once you feel like you understand how to use the "I feel statements", practice them on each other.

  • Going forward, start using the I feel statements at home and in session.

I Feel Statements PDF ---->

Couples Step 2 Intimacy Work

Step 2 Intimacy Goals

In this step we look at intimacy from three perspectives:

  1. What is a persons love language and how to fill their tank.

  2. We also look at the Gratitude we have for our spouse and how it makes them feel when it is expressed.

  3. Having daily dialogue and giving spouse complements.

 Five Love Languages Quiz

Individual Exercise To Do

Take the free Love Language quiz (link below) by Dr. Gary Chapman. After completing the quiz, it will give you five categories followed by a percentage for each one. Take the results and input them into the online form (2nd link).

Go To Love Language Quiz ---->

Web Link

Report Responses

Add those results to the online form below.

 Put Quiz Results In Online Form ---->

Marriage Counseling Form
 Five Love Languages Reading

Individual Exercise To Do

In the book, The 5 Love Languages,

  • Read chapter 2

  • If you have not received your copy of The 5 Love Languages yet, use the PDF that follows.

  • Highlight any ideas on what is a love tank and how to fill your spouses love tank.

Chapter 2 PDF ---->

Report Responses

After you have finished reading chapter 2, answer the following questions in the online form that follows.

 Chapter 2 Questions Online Form ---->

Marriage Counseling Form

Bids For Connection

Joint Exercise To Do

Watch this video - is less than 3 minutes

Bids for Connection Online Form ---->

Marriage Counseling Form

Couples Homework Step 3

We Do Not Try         We Train
Couples Step 3 Communication Work

Practicing Mutual Sympathy

Mutual Sympathy Is:

  • When spouses are considerate and sympathetic to each others needs.

  • When meeting your spouses needs is more important than meeting your own.

  • When you meet those needs even if it makes you uncomfortable.

  • True mutual sympathy is based on meeting needs out of love, not because you feel obligated to.

​

The Benefits of Mutual Sympathy:

  • Conversations are connecting rather than disconnecting.

  • To say that another way, the exact same conversation becomes connecting, builds trust and intimacy.

  • It helps both spouses meet their emotional needs - their love tank

​

An example of mutual sympathy looks like this:

You have a couple where one spouse, Erin, wants the other spouse, Matt, to do a better job keeping in touch with her throughout the day.

 

Erin may request that Matt:

  • Texts her during the day when he thinks of her.

  • Call her on the way home from work.

  • Let her know if he is going to be late.

 

Matt has a hard time communicating with her because:

  • He works in a high pressure sales job.

  • His boss does not like his sales people to use there cell phones during work hours

​

Because Matt is not meeting Erin's communication needs, it could cause tension or even arguments between them. This is where mutual sympathy should be practiced by both spouses.

  • Out of love, not obligation, Matt increases his contact with Erin during the day.

  • Out of love, not obligation, Erin understands Matt is busy at work and does not hold him to contacting her.

 

Because both of them are working towards meeting the other persons needs, not their own, they both become fulfilled.

  • Matt is fulfilled because he knows his new actions make Erin happy.

  • Erin is fulfilled because knowing Matt is making the choice to meet her needs she will feel more loved by him.

Conflict Resolution

Joint Exercises To Do

Download a copy of - Conflict Resolution - read and do the whole exercise together.

Conflict Resolution PDF ---->

Report Responses

After the exercise is completed please put the answers into the online form. You will only need to submit one form for both of you.

Conflict Resolution Online Form ---->

Marriage Counseling Form
Couples Step 3 Intimacy Work

Read Primary Love Language

Individual Exercise To Do

Read Your Primary Love Language from the book.

​

If I gave you the book, it is yours to keep so please write, highlight, etc in the book.

Individual Exercise To Do

Read Your Spouses Primary Love Language from the book.

 

As you are reading their love language, pay special attention to anything that is highlighted or noted in that chapter.

Gratitude Journal Part 1

Individual & Joint Exercise To Do

Download Gratitude Journal Part 1 

The purpose of this exercise is to:​

  • It opens the door to more heartfelt conversations with your spouse.

  • Take your time when you are writing your gratitude statements. The words you use will be important to your spouse when you read it to them.

Gratitude Journal Part 1 PDF ---->

After both of you finish the Gratitude Journal Part 1, share your answers with each other. Then input your answers into the online form.​

Report Responses

Gratitude Journal Part 1 Online Form ---->

Marriage Counseling Form

Gratitude Journal Part 2

Individual & Joint Exercise To Do

Download Gratitude Journal Part 2 

The purpose of this exercise is to:​

  • It opens the door to more heartfelt conversations with your spouse.

  • Take your time when you are writing your gratitude statements. The words you use will be important to your spouse when you read it to them.

Gratitude Journal Part 2 PDF ---->

After both of you finish the Gratitude Journal Part 2, share your answers with each other. Then input your answers into the online form.​

Report Responses

Gratitude Journal Part 2 Online Form ---->

Marriage Counseling Form

Couples Homework Step 4

We Do Not Try        We Train
Couples Step 4 
Intimacy Work

Gratitude Journal Part 3

Individual Exercises To Do

Download a copy of the Gratitude Journal Part 3 and follow the exercise instructions. 

Gratitude Journal Part 3 PDF --->

Joint Exercises To Do

After both of you finish the Gratitude Journal Part 3 , share your answers with each other. 

  1. Where you surprised by what your spouse wrote?

  2. How did it make you feel after hearing what your spouse thinks of you?

Gratitude Journal Part 3 Online Form ---->

Marriage Counseling Form
Healing Past Hurt Work

Righting Wrongs

Individual Exercises To Do

Download a copy of Righting Wrongs from Chapman's book, The 5 Apology Languages and read for our next session.

. 

Righting Wrongs PDF --->

Also, send myself an email with one past hurt you have that you would like to see resolved by both of you. 

​

Send email here...

​

Extra Couples Resources

We Do Not Try        We Train
Extra Quick Reference Communication Resources

Quick Reference Handouts

How to Compromise by Gottman 

  • How you start a conversation is how a conversation will typically end. 

Before Starting a Conversation by Gottman 

- Reference Handout

  • How you start a conversation is how a conversation will typically end. 

During a Conversation - Self-Soothing by Gottman

- Reference Handout

  • When you get emotional while communicating with spouse, this helps clam your emotions.

  • Including lowering your anger.

After a Conversation Repair by Gottman

- Reference Handout

  • Begin Again: Repair Attempts During and After Arguments.

Helpful Responses You Can Use 

by Gottman - Reference Handout

  • This handout gives you helpful responses when the word are not coming out as planned.

Extra Communication Resources

Worksheets

Reduce Communication Conflict Exercise V1

By Gottman 

  • Workout who is doing what in your communication breakdowns. 

Reduce Communication Conflict Exercise V2

By Gottman 

  • Workout who is doing what in your communication breakdowns. 

Complete Guides

Working Through Fights You Feel Stuck On by Gottman - Complete Guidebook

  • How to get Un-Stuck from a fight or argument.

  • How to “process” an argument.

  • Working through getting triggered.

  • Having problems “Sharing” how you feel?

Claim Your Anger & Emotions by Gottman - Complete Guidebook

  • How to "Self-Soothe" - Relax & Reduce Stress.

  • The more emotional/angry you are the harder to think clearly it becomes.

  • Tend to only hear and see what you want to rather than the whole picture.

  • Lose the ability to have Empathy and love.

Prevent Common Communication Problems

by Gottman - Complete Guidebook

  • How to stop using communication that prevent problems from getting solved.

  • Criticism

  • Defensiveness

  • Contempt

  • Stonewalling

Step 2 Extra
Intimacy Resources

7 Layers To Building A Healthy Connection Gottman

  • Seven principles to building a marriage that lasts.

Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

  • Find activities that you can enjoy together.

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